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Of course, each country and community puts its own twist on the ritual. The centerpiece of the Australian bucks party, for instance, is a sometimes elaborate, somewhat sadistic prank. Thirty-one-year-old LIAM K., who admits, “I look forward to the bucks more than the wedding,” told me about one such prank that quickly became a staple of my cocktail-party repertoire.
The most memorable one was for a guy I play rugby with. We all met at ten a.m. and started by smoking dope. We had already decided to play “pub golf” around Sydney ; (I suspect you don't know what that is, mate). There's eighteen pubs, and each pub has a different par to it, like a par three or a par four. You go into each pub for twenty minutes or so. And if it's a par three, you have to drink three beers while you're there. But if you get four beers in you, then you go one-under par. And it's a competition to see who can have the lowest score.
By the end of the eighteen holes—I mean pubs—it's pretty severe. For this bucks, we had a bus taking us from one to the other. By about seven p.m. , the groom was unconscious. The normal thing would have been to strip him and leave him somewhere. But the best man said, “Why don't we take him to the hospital and put a cast on his arm and pretend he's broken it and we'll tell him the next day that it's a joke.” By the time we got to the hospital, it turned into, “Fuck it, we're gonna put a cast on his whole leg .” From his ankle to the top of his hip. And because one of the guys we play rugby with is a doctor at the hospital, they let us do it.
The groom woke up the next day, and we told him he fell down the stairs at a pub and broke his leg . He didn't know it wasn't broken, because his leg was in the cast and he couldn't move it.
The wedding was two or three days later, so he went through the wedding on crutches with a cast. For his honeymoon, he went to Fiji . He was there for ten days and didn't swim because he figured he couldn't get his cast wet.
We told him when he got back. He didn't talk to us for a long time. We're still on bad terms with his missus—and that was five fuckin' years ago. He laughs about it now, but he can still get pissed if we all laugh about it too much.
Another memorable one was in a Chinese restaurant and we had a private room. We had one stripper come in and drop hot wax all over the groom and she burned his chest hair. And she got him to lay on the ground with a dildo in his mouth and she sort of squatted up and down on it. This was in front of the bride's father. Straight after she left, we had a fatty-gram come in and sort of rub her tits on him with whipped cream. And he actually ended up picking up a broad that night after his father-in-law went home.
I don't know if there's any massive differences between the Australian and American parties. In Australia , it tends to be a night, or a day and a night. Whereas the American ones tend to be more, “Let's get out town and hit Vegas or Cabo.”
The one American bachelor party I went to was for a week in Cabo , Mexico . That was probably the sleaziest one I've ever been on, because the groom banged a few birds . And, actually, they wouldn't let him back in the country because he lost his voice and he had bruises all over him—and he doesn't really look that much like his passport. So it took us a few hours to get through your immigration, which was actually pretty funny.
fatty-gram (n) an obese female stripper; similar to “fat mamas” in the United States
birds (n) slang, young women
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